Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
