I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
