And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
