The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
we're making bets on your personal life
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
