Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
...so i touched it.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
