I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
