you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize
