And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
