drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
We need to feng shui this bitch.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize