i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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