I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
