I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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