Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
