im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
