All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
How naked do you want me to be?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
