I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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