sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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