you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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