I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
