im six kinds of drunk right now
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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