I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize