SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
