Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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