Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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