A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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