I think I am morally bankrupt
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
