Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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