i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
