yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
