I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
