Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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