I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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