my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
