I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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