a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize