Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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