I've blown a few things in my day
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
