I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
