I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i love accidental penises.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
