Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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