nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
