John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
