i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
He did a backflip because drugs
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