I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize