Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
