Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
