Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
