I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
