6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
