Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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