Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
