I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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