even my farts smell like vagina
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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