I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
