Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
