uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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