i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
