Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
