Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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