If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
