she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
The air taste purple.
Randomize
