If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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