I haven't been this sober since birth.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
