Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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