Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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