So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
