I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
