They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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