so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
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